I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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