I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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