so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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