Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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