You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
