Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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