Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
