Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
