so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize