mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
