I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
this hospital has no fireball
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am mentally ready for anal.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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