I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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