I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
