Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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