There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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