How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
