I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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