yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
