Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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