We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
