I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Randomize
