Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think my vagina is haunted
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
