I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
