The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize