he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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