my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
