I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
