I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
