There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
