i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize