He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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