Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
