if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
