please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
