i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
