I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
