You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just high enough for therapy.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
