Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
