Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
