And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
