How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
