my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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