the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
