my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
