There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
