I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
