I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
