so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize