he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
