doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
