If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
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