K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
