If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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