I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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