so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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